Workplace Humor

WORKPLACE VOCABULARY LESSON

Assmosis – The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

Blamestorming – Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Seagull Manager – A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything ,and then leaves.

Blowing Your Buffer – Losing your train of thought.

Salmon Day – The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

Chainsaw Consultant – An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

Career-Limiting Move (CLM) – Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

Flight Risk – Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

404 – Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found” “Don’t bother asking him…   he’s 404, man.”

Ohnosecond – That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake.

Percussive Maintenance – The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Prairie Dogging – When someone yells or drops something loudly in a “cube farm” (an office full of cubicles) and everyone’s head pops up over the walls to see what’s going on.

Umfriend – A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in “This is Jill, my… um… friend.”

(source)

***

What makes life 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants more than 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

Here’s a little math that might prove helpful.

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

then:

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

but:

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

and:
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close,
attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far this will take you…

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

Think about it… and have a nice day at work… 🙂

***

The Ten Commandments Of Employment

1. If it rings, put it on hold.
2. If it clunks, call the repairman.
3. If it whistles, ignore it.
4. If it’s a friend, stop work and chat.
5. If it’s the boss, look busy.
6. If it talks, take notes.
7. If it’s handwritten, type it.
8. if it’s typed, copy it.
9. If it’s copied, file it.
10. If it’s Friday, forget it!

(source)

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2 Responses to Workplace Humor

  1. […] Observations from tech’s lighter side…. added an interesting post on Workplace HumorHere’s a small excerptWORKPLACE VOCABULARY LESSONAssmosis – The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.Blamestorming – Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.Seagull Manager – A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything ,and then leaves.Blowing Your Buffer – Losing your train of thought.Salmon Day – The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get scr […]

  2. […] Observations from tech’s lighter side…. created an interesting post today on Workplace BHumor/BHere’s a short outlineWORKPLACE VOCABULARY LESSON… […]

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